| RMS Titanic, when built, was the largest cruise line in | | | | * Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were |
| the world, unmatched in opulence and luxury. The ship | | | | shouting, crying, running and praying. A passenger went |
| boasted every entertainment imaginable, including a | | | | up to the captain to ask him a question. |
| squash court, a swimming pool, a gymn, a Turkish bath | | | | Passenger: How far are we from land? |
| and a magnificent library. The furnishing was very | | | | Captain: Two miles... |
| stylish, and the dining room walls were fitted with | | | | Passenger: Only two miles, then why are these fools |
| extensive oak wood panelling. The ship was | | | | making so much noise. I can swim that far easily. |
| constructed in the Harland & Wolff shipyard in | | | | Captain:.....Uh???? |
| Belfast, and after a much-publicised launch, underwent | | | | Passenger: In which direction should I swim? |
| sea trials as it steamed down to Southampton on the | | | | Captain: Downward.. |
| south coast of England. On the 10 April 1912, carrying a | | | | * So there were some good things that came out of |
| total of 2223 passengers and crew, the ship set sail | | | | the Titanic sinking: |
| on its maiden trip to New York. Four days into its | | | | According to the news, the last survivor was fond of |
| voyage, steaming through a dark and cold Atlantic | | | | saying: 'If it hadn't been for the ship going down, I'd be |
| night, the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank two hours and | | | | an American'. |
| forty minutes later, with the loss of 1517 lives. | | | | *Sign seen in an office: The difference between this |
| How could such a terrible tragedy become the subject | | | | place and the Titanic is.... they had a band! |
| of everyday humour? Possibly to blame are the | | | | *Management consultant to crewmember - |
| owner's of the ship, the White Star Line. To quote their | | | | Consultant: To confirm, are we short of lifebelts or |
| widely-read publicity brochure produced in 1910 for the | | | | lifeboats? |
| sister ships Titanic and Olympic, 'these two wonderful | | | | Crewmember: Both, Sir. |
| vessels are designed to be unsinkable'. Even during | | | | Consultant. Excellent, we've made savings across the |
| that fateful night in 1912, when the New York office of | | | | board. |
| White Start Line was told that the Titanic was in | | | | *Heard when the ship went down... |
| difficulties, White Star's Vice President, Philip Franklin | | | | So this isn't New York? |
| said 'We place absolute confidence in the Titanic. We | | | | It's still better than Carnival! |
| believe the boat is unsinkable'. | | | | So has the all-night buffet been canceled? |
| So this hotch-potch of tragedy, misfortune, and irony | | | | How big a carry on can I take on the lifeboat? |
| give us an excuse to laugh away the capricious and | | | | Do you mind if I hold your baby for a minute? |
| fateful nature of our existence. | | | | This is definitely the last time I book a cheap |
| Now, down to sorting out the good jokes from the bad | | | | repositioning cruise! |
| (and there certainly are a lot of bad). The following are | | | | Ah, so this is what they mean by 'cruise to nowhere'. |
| the Editor's favorites, thus apologies if your own picks | | | | We can't afford to stop here long. I've got a plane to |
| are not present. | | | | catch in New York. |
| * What was the last thing anyone said on the Titanic? 'I | | | | Nobody reads my tweets, but if we get one of the |
| know I ordered ice but this is ridiculous!' | | | | celebrities on board to twitter this, it'll hit the news! |
| * What sort of cake do they have for desert on the | | | | Ooh my wife's fallen overboard. Hold the lifeboat. I've |
| Titanic? Upside-down cake! | | | | got to update my facebook status. |
| * Which ship can never get hit by an iceberg? | | | | With just one or two of these jokes, you would be |
| FriendSHIP!! | | | | well armed for some light humour after dinner on your |
| * What goes down well with ice? The Titanic! | | | | cruise ship. But imagine you were one of the |
| * What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean | | | | passengers on MS Explorer, a cruise ship which sank |
| with the Titanic? About halfway! | | | | off Antartica in 2007. All 154 passengers and crew |
| * The chief designer of the Titanic had a lisp. That's | | | | spent many hours floating on life rafts in icy seas, |
| unthinkable! | | | | before being picked up by MS Nordnorge, a |
| * On the Titanic the captain calls a meeting of his | | | | Norwegian cruise ship fortuitously cruising in the vicinity. |
| officers: | | | | The shipwrecked passengers and crew kept up their |
| 'I have some good news and some bad news. Which | | | | spirits by telling Titanic jokes to one another. So, just in |
| do you want to hear first?' | | | | case you were ever to fall into this miserable |
| 'The good news', replies an officer. | | | | predicament, it might be wise to remember more than |
| 'We'll get eleven Oscars.' | | | | just one or two! |